Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
You Might Also Like
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.