I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Waiting for the Charmin
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile