I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker