@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

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@timdonakowski

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

@thehedrk

One good thing about the coronavirus is that the hand soap I bought because it was the only kind left is the greatest soap I have ever used and now my hands are baby soft and smell like vanilla

@RocketRankoon

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@WittySassBasket

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

@dorsalstream

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

@RaccoonPun

What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.

@AbbyHasIssues

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”