that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
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My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
One good thing about the coronavirus is that the hand soap I bought because it was the only kind left is the greatest soap I have ever used and now my hands are baby soft and smell like vanilla
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.