Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
all bases covered
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste