I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.