I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.


“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…


Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less



Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?


I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.


Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water


“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.


This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.


My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.


HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent