@Adar79Angie

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

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@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

@TeejayRush

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

@carlyken

Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less

IMAGINE DRAGONS

@MentalAbortions

Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@StarksWeek

“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.

@MartaEffing

This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.

@PinkCamoTO

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent