I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Jupiter
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶