I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
tis the season
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no