I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.


Mom: What are you hiding in there?
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.


i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud


I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.


“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume


Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior


me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me


What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.


“I want you back in my arms…”

– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed


googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen