I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here


Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.


Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin


“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.


My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️


Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.


One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous


the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes