I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Beware…..
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I love art.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME