Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.