I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
CRYING
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes