HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.