I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

You Might Also Like


Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.


I’m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage


I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.


Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings


Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham


If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.


Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?


Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog


A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this