I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

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[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on


I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.


wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen


I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk


Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry


[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?


BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me


4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.


Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.


I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.