You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:
He’s itchy but won’t tell me where
The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries
I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon
The fish have to stay in the fish tank
His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this