@s_cLaN07

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

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@Statistar30

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

@perfect_boxx

I’m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

@leslid79

I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.

@Cpin42

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

@DVSblast

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@fillthevacuum

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

@VisionBored1

Today’s tantrum is brought to you by:

He’s itchy but won’t tell me where

The toy that doesn’t take batteries is apparently out of batteries

I wouldn’t let him eat a tampon

The fish have to stay in the fish tank

His milk was too cold and also wasn’t eggnog

@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this