I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either