If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!