I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
when nothing goes right… go left
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.