I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge