I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You Might Also Like
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.