The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
fixed it
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.