Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
fly smarter, not harder
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Born to be mild.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.