I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.