@markydoodoo

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

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@sixthformpoet

1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments

@TheCiscoKidder

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

@Skoogeth

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

@StellaGMaddox

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

@jtswhipped

You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.

@haveigotnews

Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.

@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

@nyquills

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good