1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I’ve been told I’m oblivious.
I had not noticed this.