i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
You Might Also Like
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Science memes
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
*pronounces patio like ratio
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.