i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My safe word is Worcestershire
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Good morning!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.