I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?