I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Anime is real
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore