I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Story of my life…..
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”