I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Cucumbers Anonymous
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.