I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently


Me, age 18: I can’t wait to have a full time job with a regular pay check so I can buy whatever I want

Me, age 38: *splurges on the ‘nice’ garbage bags and feels guilty*


Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”


Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all


“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.


Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…


“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture


Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.