I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Why font matters.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer