@lmwortho
@stuckinaportal
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
You Might Also Like
@stuckinaportal
@jonnysun
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
@aspiringtoucan
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
@SteveSuckington
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
@jordan_stratton
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
@Rachel_Sennott
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
@clindsaysway
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
@SwimmingTablets
I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
@007Rex_Inc
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
@patnspankme
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”