Watch Forrest Gump
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
How to scare burglars off….
First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively
“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?