I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory