@lmwortho

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

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@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@liv_thatsme

Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?

Me: YOU LIVE ALONE

Me: SHIT

@Headkutter

How to scare burglars off….

First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@WilliamRodgers

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

@Vodkantots

“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@loribuckmajor

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

@TheWoodenslurpy

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?