@lmwortho

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

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@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@jonnysun

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@SteveSuckington

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@Rachel_Sennott

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

@007Rex_Inc

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

@patnspankme

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”