[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
Saint Peter: Name
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”