I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

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Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.


I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.


Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about


Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.


PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]



Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’


Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness

Me: Honesty

B: I don’t think that’s a weakness

M: I don’t give a shit what you think.


You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.


Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.