Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*
this is why I drink
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*