I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
road rage
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics