I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Finally
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.