I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand