“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*


My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.


Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.


My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.


Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A


*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere


Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes


[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day