[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.