@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

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@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@Mikestanley1

[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”

@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

@TheMichaelRock

Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.

@HatfieldAnne

Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.

@kimlockhartga

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am.

Now its coffee after 5 pm.

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy