Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
😍😂🥰😂😍