@CantWaitToNap

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

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@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@fro_vo

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@NathanBgood

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

@YourAnMoron

Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey