I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body