I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
No. He’s not coming out to play
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
This is enough internet for the day.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.