I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me before I type out affect or effect
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round