VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating