Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
i think both sides are to blame here
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.