[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
hmm conte-me mais
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Have kids, they said
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape