@TastyTuneTweets

Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance

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@theshantilly

*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run

@DumbConfessions

God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.

@jjhartinger

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

@brianbooone

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

@farahfergie

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

@_steamy_mac

Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@Dawn_M_

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

@TEXASVETERAN

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.