I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation
INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.