*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance
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God: Women will bleed for a week.
Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.