Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾