I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*
*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”
*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on
a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?