Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance

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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.


Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.


Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.


villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed


capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation


INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon


Interviewer: give me an example of when youโ€™ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview


If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.


What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.