Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.