@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

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@Adar79Angie

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

@OllyiConic

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@trojansauce

DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?

ME: give me one minute

*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*

@TheAlexNevil

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@MrIceMachine

Automatic flusher
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic sink
Automatic paper towel dispenser

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