I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’