@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

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@AlwaysAButt

the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:

1. julia
2. julia
3. julia
4. julia
5. julia

julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back

@iamspacegirl

*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*

Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s

@TheSomeGuyShow

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

@_youhadonejob1

“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”

@KalvinMacleod

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@davideastUK

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

@spicy_peen

Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up

@molly7anne

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.