the 5 girls who will absolutely ruin your life:
julia if you’re reading this bring my goldfish back
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*
Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– who cares
– what does that even mean
“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– maybe you have a sword
Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.
That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.