ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?
ME: give me one minute
*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic paper towel dispenser
N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.