Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
You Might Also Like
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Isn’t
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.