idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent


Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…


How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.


I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.


I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.


“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards


Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.



fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious


My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited