idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.