LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Friends and lovers may come and go but allergies are forever.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?