Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’m too immature for adultery.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden