*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I can’t wait!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?