@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

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@The1WhosCrazy

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@erikbransteen

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

@dave_cactus

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

@heyitsJudeD

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@DrakeGatsby

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.