@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

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@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@clichedout

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

@JeffisTallguy

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

@narcoticpanda

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@SarahSurgey1

Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory

@Vice_Queen

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.