@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

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@Wine_honey1

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

@OctopusCaveman

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@krisv_723

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@skedaddle74

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

@AnOrangeSNES

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words