Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags


Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*


Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.


I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this


The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.


*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.


Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot


*watching The Revenant*


Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.


me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high


“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.