@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

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@AndyRichter

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

@junejuly12

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

@Lottie_Poppie

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@meganamram

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

@jctwritesstuff

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

@MarfSalvador

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.