nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
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[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
50+ [ ]
me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.