Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
True
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Sell your car
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”