@TheAndrewNadeau

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

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@juliussharpe

It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.

@hippieswordfish

ME: im nervous
GIRLFRIEND: dont be
M: what are some of his interests
GF: he likes football
[later]
GF’S DAD: nice to meet u
M: *tackles him*

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@gitson_shiggles

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

@KentWGraham

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

@sixfootcandy

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.